Dave, You Made Me Do It

Dave, I’ve been a fan of yours before you had fans–you know, way back when when you were on NBC in the morning–no, not the Today Show, your own show that came on at 10:00 a.m. I bet not too many people remember that, and I think for a long time I may have been the only person watching at that most un-primetime TV graveyard hour. I painted Christmas ornaments for a living back then, so it was just you, me, and my ornaments (made out of bread dough, just to complete the picture of oddity) for that hour every day, five days a week. You were great, and the funniest man on earth–which is what I told everyone I knew at the time, and that’s how you’ve made it so big, in case you’ve ever wondered exactly how it happened.

I’ve continued to be your fan over all these years, although I will admit, I haven’t seen so much of you since you went to late night, and was that in year three of your career? Anyway, thanks to the internet, I do get to catch up with you from time to time, and although I’m still shocked that what’s left of your hair your hair is now gray (how did that happen?), I still think you are very funny–most of the time.

But Dave, what happened this week with that snideness about Sarah Palin’s daughter getting knocked up in some locker room that somehow didn’t get edited out of your script before show time? I hate to say it, Dave, but that was a mistake if there ever was one–and here is where you forced me to do something I would never have thought possible–I had to agree with Sarah Palin. Good grief! How could it have come to this, Dave–and how could you, of all people, have been the one to have forced me to it?

Until now I have not found a thing that Ms. Palin and I agree on–and I am as appalled and horrified as anyone could be that she was actually running as a candidate for vice-president of this country. Talk about a close call! Had she actually ascended to that office, I would have had to pack up myself, my four cats, and one draft horse and head for Canada to plead for asylum on grounds of insanity at the federal level.

So, here I was, prepared to defend you to the hilt from whatever Sarah had come up with to criticize you for–and then I heard what you had said.

Dave, Dave, Dave…this was not good. But once it was out, it was out, and somehow it had to be handled. Mistake #2 is how it was handled–by you.

Dave, you knew she had you. I do believe with all my heart that you are a decent man. I’m sure your mother—whom I like very much, having seen her on your show–would agree. You goofed and the only way out of this one was to admit it.

All you had to do , Dave, was say to Ms. Palin, “You know, you’re right. What I said was not only in poor taste, it was out of line…,,I was out of line, and am guilty of not having gone over my script and deleted that comment before it ever had a chance of actually being spoken. I am profoundly sorry and offer my sincere apologies to your daughters, to you, and to all the women of the world–young and old.” And that. Dave, would have been the end of the story–and you would have come off looking not only humble and contrite, but honorable and courageous–for having stood up and admitted you were wrong. And you were, Dave–you have to admit that now, right?

Hey–we all make mistakes–not always before an audience of millions, but heck–who’s counting? The most important thing anyone of us can do when we’ve been caught red-handed is so simple–admit it and apologize. AAA…Admit And Apologize. Got it? Easy.

Now, Dave, let’s waste no more time and let’s go ahead and do what we know you should have done in the first place. I don’t ever want to again be put in the position of having to agree with Sarah Palin, because her worldview and mine are diametrically opposed. And besides, I cannot stand that shrieky, shrill, nasal voice of hers, so please, Dave, let’s not give her any more stuff to shriek about–she comes up with way too much on her own.

So, Dave, we’ve made history this week. You with your gaffe–and you know it was that–and me by having to agree with Sarah Palin, thanks to you. Let’s not let history repeat, Dave. Got it? (AAA–remember?)